Friday, August 28, 2020

It's Legal If It's Animated (In America). Cat Planet Cuties OVA Review



Come Drop By
Japanese

Summary in 10 words
De Asobi ni Kimashita!!

Japan sure loves questionably aged nude girls in their anime.
Favorite line
"Oh? They look cute out there."

I was lucky to be able to clearly watch all 12 dubbed episodes online uncensored considering companies love taking down videos even though the videos could bring in more fans to that show. Even when posters shrink the window or change the audio pitch, it can still get copyright striked. With this OVA though, I wasn't so lucky since I only found two videos of the full episode. One of them was a dubbed episode with scan lines that hurts my eyes and the characters sounds like chipmunks. So that means I have to watch the sub version for the first time since it's a clean screen. 

So we start off with Ichika outside a chicken restaurant reading the script because guess what, she was the narrator the whole time. She sees the restaurant is reserved and walks in to find Kio's Krew playing a card game. Manami and Aoi are trembling like they're facing a God card or something. Then they started coughing in the middle of their duel to cue Ichika to narrate the transition to the Catians playing Mahjong in Kio's fixed up house earlier that morning.

Break The 4th Wall Down!!!

Captain Kuune, Dr. Durel, Chaika and Melwin were learning the rules of the game as they play with Kuune winning the round. So off goes Melwin's clothes as they wondered why the losers have to strip down from outfits that look like schoolgirl uniforms?


Three minutes in and Melwin is already topless. These are some dangerous waters i'm sailing into.

According to Eris' research, that's how people play games on Earth so they're going along with it. Gee, I wonder where she read that from?

Back at the restaurant, they're taking a lunch break as Eris gushes over the chicken...which Manami cuts short by sliding her scene out of frame (There's no 4th wall in this episode BTW). Aoi asked what kind of survey Eris wanted to do and she showed off various games to see how humans play them as part of her Catian research study.


Time To Play The Game

They chose the Cocoroco Garlic Chicken House to play their games because Antonia dined there during a camping trip and loved it ever since. Manami wanted to up the stakes so Eris will get a true idea of why people play games.

As gratitude for inviting her, Antonia offered up a briefcase of money to the winner but that was too much of a prize to keep the game fun. So Maya brought in a Eris figurine as a prize, but the hater Manami wasn't feeling it. Then Sara brought in a behind the scenes documentary DVD shot by Eris of Kio napping, eating, laughing, crying and getting naked. That got Manami and Aoi interested despite his objections.


As often as he's been kicked in the dick, he's not gonna have any lil catgirls or catboys in his future.

Eris wanted to put up something from the Catian Embassy, so she chose three chocolate cats Kio gave her as a gift, which Manami shat all over. Then a delivery came and in the envelope was the movie Aoi and Manami shot in bunny costumes while they "borrowed" a powerboat in order to rescue Eris and Kio.


I wonder did they ever get paid for this movie?

Director Kawasaki sent them a advanced copy of Fullmetal Beasts of Debauchery Series #7: Amazon Bunnies From Hell vs Slave Girl Naughty Maid Squad as a thank you for working on the successful production.


I'm guessing that's Aoi and Manami's VAs with Ichika in the recording studio.

Since he's wagering something embarrassing to them, they're even and it will motivate Aoi and Manami to win these games.

Now that we're caught up, Antonia freaks out over no one having the six of hearts. Assistroid #6 brings attention to itself in response but gets chucked out of anger into Ichika's face instead.


That's quite the arm Antonia has to throw a robot and all the cards on the table at Ichika 10 ft away from her.

After we come back from a Yuichi starred intermission, we see Durel winning in strip poker forcing Chaika to lose her clothes. They still don't know why they're stripping naked in this not so children's card game though.


Halfway through and there goes Chaika's top. I would rather see Kuune and Durel topless to be honest.

Ichika is back narrating after getting KOed by a Assistroid to the face while she was eating. Manami is losing badly in this card game that Kio eventually wins with ease.


It's all gonna go downhill from here Kio.

He wanted to pick the movie but he decided to take away the chance of them seeing him naked, even though they already did in Episode 3. At the school, Arisa and Aiko are pitching a sci-fi drama that's all the rage right now. Maki suggested they try non-humanoid silicone-based beings who live on the surface of the sun. But after meeting Eris they don't consider that realistic thus crushing her alien fantasy.


You can actually pinpoint THE SECOND when her heart rips in half!

Then in comes Cool Uncle Yurichi to give the two girls the good news that their wait is over. They squeal and hug in excitement as Maki and the other two guys look on confused.


"I'm gonna make you girls famous!"

We rejoin Kio's Krew as Antonia dominates in "Nahapoly" bankrupting Kio causing him to faceplant the game board.


And that's game!

After she was declared winner by Ichika, she took back the Eris figurine since she couldn't bear to part with it. Before Maya announced the next game, we cut to HOW THE FUCK DOGGIRL AND MUTTLEY SURVIVE THAT CRASH!!! I guess characters can walk off explosions no problem in this show since no one actually dies here (unless you're Lawry and her crew). Anyway, they're playing chess, Doggirl makes a mistake and Muttley gets checkmate. She accepted her defeat "gracefully" by throwing off her jacket giving us a full shot of her big tits. I guess she didn't feel like wearing a shirt and tie that day.


At least we get to see the boobs of someone who looks like an actual adult this time.

We join in mid game on Kio's Krew playing "Tracker" with Manami kneeing Kio in the chin to get her right foot on red. Because this is Kio we're talking about, he's stuck between motorboating Manami's boobs and smelling Aoi's butt. Add on Eris putting her boobs on his head and he's completely sandwiched between his girlfriends(?). Manami objected to Eris doing this so as she got off of him, her tail grazed Aoi's butt causing her to freak out and everyone but Eris to fall. As the winner, she took back the chocolate cats leaving the movie DVD as the last prize.

For the final game, Maya announced they will play Strip Jan-Ken aka Rock, Paper, Scissors. That's when we cut to Durel losing again due to not being able to rely on her smarts to help her win like in poker. It's still odd to them how stripping is part of the game, but they figure it's probably a holdover from before humans used money (it is not). We didn't get to see Durel or Kuune naked, but we join in on a blindfolded Kio winning again forcing his already topless Krew to drop drawers.


Define whats about to happen to you as winning.

And yeah, I see why this episode is hard to find online. I don't know why Maya, Sara and Ichika are playing too but I guess they wanted to give fans a memorable ending showing most of the female cast nude. Antonia tried to weasel out of getting naked like the rest of them, but Manami wasn't having it. So she ripped off Antonia's skirt as she tried to run away which cause Manami to fall backwards and rip off Kio's blindfold.


"You know Manami, for someone with big boobs, you sure have small areolas."

He got a full view of his Krew buck naked as they blinked together in stunned silence (Eris seemed to enjoy it though).


DANGER ZONE!!!

It resulted in him getting his ass kicked which he immediately healed from seconds later.


If you spent more than 30 seconds learning how to fight, you wouldn't have gotten your ass kicked by three naked chicks.

Kio won the DVD, but he decided to let Manami and Aoi watch it first as long as he gets to watch it with them later on. Now that Eris' survey is over, they think they're in the clear, but Ichika narrates that their skeezy movie crisis isn't over just yet. Back at school, Maki's film club are screening the movie Arisa and Aiko worked on as well.


Those guys polishing their cameras didn't get any lines in the final episode. Sucks for them.

Yuichi complemented their performance which led to them having bigger dreams of working with Kawasaki directly as actresses for his films. Maki on the other hand just can't accept a sci-fi movie with sexy bunny girls fighting a bootleg Godzilla.

Well, that's the end of the show. Unless they bring the show back ten years later to animate the final light novels like what they're doing with Bleach, I'd say this is a wrap for the series. It's a fun fast paced show that gets to the point instead of dragging out fights and dialogue to pad runtime like other animes. Nothing annoys me more in anime than pointless filler that gets in the way of the main story. I'm looking at you Naruto with your interrupting a fight to have a flashback arc. Bleach, you have the courtesy to put your fillers in separate seasons.

Anyway, this is clearly a fan service episode where they get their game on to strip off their clothes when they lose because Eris read it from Kio's porn magazines. Maki, Arisa, and Aiko were busy with film club while JACK moved back to America I guess, so you don't see them naked. For some odd reason, Doggirl is playing strip chess against a Assistroid that doesn't wear clothes. It's like they handwaved away them crashing into the orbital base just so you can finally see her big tits. BTW, have anybody actually said her name in this show? I had to look it up to find out it's Jens or Janes depending on who you ask; more on this later.

If you made it this far into the reviews past the amateurish writing, lame jokes and constant cursing, you will notice I talked alot of shit about Kio and Manami. All the times I called him a simp, I do it out of jest. Even though he often comes off as a wishy washy wimp, he seems to be a decent guy and really cares about his friends. Even with all the venom I directed towards Manami, I don't hate her like a certain pink haired ninja. I just feel she should be called out on all the bullshit she does in this show. Especially when she was waving a loaded gun around a A&W restaurant while talking to Aoi.

Speaking of Aoi, she has alot of hair along with Eris and Maya. Anime is known for their unrealistic, multi-layered, multi-colored, gravity defying hairstyles. Cat Planet Cuties for the most part had realistic hair among their characters. Aoi's covers her butt, Eris' goes down mid-thigh, and Maya's hair goes past her knee! I was gonna ask how does Aoi put all that hair in a bun so she can wear a helmet. Then I read this post from a woman doing just that on The Long Hair Community forum. I can't fathom having so much hair it touches the floor, but it was interesting seeing all these Rapunzel admirers setting goals for various hair lengths. 

Why are they playing Strip Rock, Paper, Scissors against Kio if they're just gonna put a blindfold on him anyway? "I'm gonna strip down if I lose, BUT YOU CAN'T LOOK!" That's probably another anime cliche that makes no sense in real life. It's like when Téa, Bakura and Tristan climbed up the wall of Pegasus' castle, originally she had them wear blindfolds so they can't upskirt her due to her going up first. I'm sorry, if i'm climbing up a rope to get to a room 100 feet up, I'm more concerned about not dying than my friends looking up my skirt, but that's just me. I think 4Kids removed the blindfolds because again, that's just stupid.

While I'm here, what is it with Funimation's inconsistency? And i'm not even talking about how inconsistent they are with replacing kanji with English. I already said 4Kids did a far better job at that department than Funimation. I'm talking about how inconsistent they are with character names. I get translations are hard, but why is "Kunne" spelled one way in the intermission profile, but spelled "Qoone" in the credits? Or how about Chaika in another intermission profile but "Chayka" in the credits. There's also Muttley/Matrey and the infamous Assist Droid/Assistroid/Assistaroid/Assist-a-roid. Like goddamn, make up your mind on how you spell these character's names!

Also, what's with Japan sexualizing little girl bodies? I say it that way because Ichika is apparently a immortal catgirl sage who's hundreds of years old. According to Google, 13-23 year old boys is anime's largest demographic. Like how there are so many animes with kids/high school student cast members, they draw characters young so they will relate to that key demographic. I guess that explains why Ash looks younger now than he did during the 4Kids era of Pokemon. 

So that means "lolis" and other little girls get the big jiggly boobs, impractical outfit, panty flash and other creepy treatment. I spent longer than I thought I would looking up child pornography laws in the U.S and how they handle animated works. Even though Funimation dubbed this episode and sold the DVDs 10 years ago, I still wanted to make sure I won't have FBI knocking down my door over Cat Planet Cuties screenshots. Basically, if there are no sexual acts taking place, then it's protected under free speech. Which is how I assume The Simpsons got away with showing Bart's dick while he was skateboarding past bushes and South Park's Wieners Out protest of the National Anthem. Maybe in the future they will simplify the laws regarding animation so I won't have to read three separate Wikipedia pages about the Miller Test, U.S Child pornography laws and Legal status of drawn pornography depicting minors.

So will I do this again for another show? If I can find all the episodes clean and uncensored at one place without having to signup for anything or do a virus check afterwards, then I consider it. Also, I would prefer it only lasted one season because there's no fucking way i'm slogging through multiple seasons of a anime just for a review. Plus, I don't have the time for that kind of commitment into a show. At least Funimation uploaded the Twister scene on their YouTube account. But I gotten so used to the slightly deeper voices these past couple weeks, I find the actual voices squeaky and Eris annoyingly high pitched. Go figure.


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