That Was A Long Thanksgiving Weekend. NFL Week 13 Preview

The longest NFL week is finally over. The only reason why it wasn't longer was because NBC didn't want Ravens-Steelers to replace their Christmas Tree Lighting Primetime Special so we got Wednesday Afternoon Football instead. The two games that did play on Thanksgiving ended in blowouts which cost the job of a team's coach/GM and chance of finishing .500 for the other team. And even though "star calls" and favoritism isn't as apparent in the NFL as it is in the NBA, it's clear that the league tried their best to help out the Ravens with their multiple postponements so they can get some of their players back from the Covid-19/Reserve list. All the while fucking over the Broncos by forcing them to play a practice squad WR at QB because all their actual QBs were placed on the list as well. Other things happened like the usual injuries, Coronavirus scares, blowouts and suspensions as well so let's start Week 13!

THE GAMES

Cleveland Browns  35

Tennessee Titans   17

This is pretty much a mirror match with how similar the Browns and Titans are:

• Both are 8-3
• Both of them have top tier rushing (Browns are 1st while Titans are 2nd).
• Both have bottom half passing attack (Browns are 30th while Titans are 22nd).
• Both teams sucked ass for a long time before improving recently.
• Both starting QBs sucked ass before improving recently.

As for who will win? Go with the Brownies 16th ranked defense to be the deciding factor here.

Las Vegas Raiders    17

New York Jets             9

The Raiders got pimp slapped by the Falcons of all teams. Sure, I predicted the Falcons would win this but goddamn! How the hell you go on about feeling disrespected when you get EMBARRASED by a team that's best known for losing back to back games they had a 99% chance of winning this season? But as bad as this was, at least they're not Frank Gore.

The NFL couldn't be bothered to use his profile pic from the Jets website.

He's spending the tail end of his career this season on the winless Jets. Despite only rushing for 521 yards and 1 TD this season (Both Kyler Murray and Lamar Jackson have more yards and TDs than him), people consider him a future HOFer. But this season haven't gone well for him at all. Hell, his profile picture uses last year's headshot when he was a Bill so not even the NFL cares about him anymore! He says he doesn't want his career to go out with a 0-16 Jets team but unless they cut him or they get a surprise win, he doesn't have a choice at the matter.

Jacksonville Jaguars   26

Minnesota Vikings        28

Gardner Minshew may be healed of his thumb injury but the Jaguars will still start Mike Glennon against the Vikings. To be honest, it doesn't make a difference. This team sucks. The QBs suck. The defense suck. It's a whole bunch of suck in Duval but this game will be close.

Cincinnati Bengals       7

Miami Dolphins           17

Joe Burrow's knee surgery was a success so that's good. Other than that, Fuck the Bengals.

Indianapolis Colts     16

Houston Texans        38

It's no secret this season has been a disappointment for the Texans but there have been some bright spots. They liberated the Detroit Lions from under the rule of Matt Patricia! Lions fans were so grateful, they donated to Deshaun Watson's charity after that fateful Thanksgiving Day game. Now the Texans look to build off that with a win over the sputtering Colts. BTW, best of luck to Colts Punter Rigoberto Sanchez and QB Philip Rivers on their aliments.

Detroit Lions        28

Chicago Bears     13

Speaking of the Lions, with Patricia and GM Bob Quinn gone (Called it!), it's time for them to start over and hire someone who isn't a hardass Belichick disciple. It's funny how the incompetence of your head coach makes you regret firing your previous coach. Jim Caldwell wasn't great but at least in his four years there he had three winning seasons, two playoff appearances and the players liked him. Now that I think about it, the Lions deserved getting a bad coach like Patricia to ruin Matthew Stafford's prime years. But at least Caldwell gets the last laugh with a subtle shot at Patricia and the Lions on Adam Schefter's podcast.

New Orleans Saints    31

Atlanta Falcons           22

Where the hell was this production the previous 12 weeks? They forced four fumbles, got a pick-6 and racked up five sacks to go with the five field goals and three touchdowns. Maybe Raheem Morris should stick around as head coach if he can get his team to play well like that. Of course, the Saints are not gonna just roll over like the Raiders because they're not frauds.

New York Giants       24

Seattle Seahawks     28

Due to the Cowboys shitting themselves in front of a national audience, the Giants lead the NFC East. As I eloquently stated last month, it's doubtful you're getting a eight win team out of this division. They only have two winnable games left on their schedule so outside of the three bird teams catching the flu, their "Road To 8" wont reach its destination on time.

Las Angeles Rams      19

Arizona Cardinals         7

It's weird to say that both teams are playoff caliber teams and NOT playoff caliber teams at the same time. Both the Rams and Cardinals can light up the scoreboard and provide a tough challenge for their opponents. At the same time, they have glaring weaknesses that can be exploited by smart teams that would make them out to be frauds. Both of them are likely to make the playoffs but how far they go is a total mystery. Until then, Rams win this matchup.

New England Patriots      24

Los Angeles Chargers     30

Tyrod Taylor declined to file grievance against the Chargers for their doctor puncturing his lung lung causing him to go to the hospital and lose his staring spot. I get that blindly shoving a needle in someone's chest to inject him with painkillers carries the risk of a punctured lung, but c'mon now, he was sent to the hospital and lost his starting job! If a fuckup that major caused me to miss out on playing time and whatever performance bonuses that was on my contract, I would absolutely sue them and expose the Chargers for their shitty medical treatment history. Of course, that would mean the end of my time with the team (and most likely league as well) but fuck it, I want compensation for my pain and suffering by their hands!

Philadelphia Eagles       20

Green Bay Packers        16

Has there been a faster fall from grace for a Super Bowl winning coach than Doug Pederson? It was only the 2017 season when the Eagles won their first ever Super Bowl and three seasons later he's on the hot seat. This just doesn't happen! Especially with teams with a long history of futility! Usually winning the Super Bowl grants the coach Ring Protection where he can inflict years of mediocrity on his team(s) until they finally fire him like Mike Shanahan. Sometimes you don't even need the ring like Jeff Fisher. Either way, it looks like on the Road to 8, Pederson is coaching for his job as well as the division lead. This difficult matchup vs the Packers wont do him any favors and neither does the rest of the schedule. 

Denver Broncos           37

Kansas City Chiefs      20

What do you get when you replace your QB with a non-QB like in Madden? You get this. I didn't get to watch the game because of bullshit blackout rules so I had to settle on highlights like this:

Based on the drive chart, it looked like they did mostly direct snaps to their RBs and Kendall Hinton mainly thru deep passes. I don't see why they didn't do Short Passes, QB Runs, Run Options, Wildcat, Jet Sweeps or Screen Passes? Like, you're not gonna win with a practice squad receiver in at QB, so you rather as well run a Triple Option/Flexbone offense like Army or other colleges to get by. Instead, they had him do this nonsense. Maybe the coaches watched this highlight video of him quarterbacking at Wake Forest and went "Yep, we're gonna catch the defense sleeping with deep balls like we did with Tebow in that playoff game" (They did not). Afterwards, Drew Lock, Brett Rypien, and Blake Bortles were taken off the Covid-19/Reserve list and Bortles was made the Designated Survivor in case this happens again. Having said that, I don't see how the simulation picked them to beat the Chiefs. Maybe Lock will ball out thanks to the added rest he got last week.

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The Steelers played like crap against the Ravens Wednesday. They got the win, but that's not the type of play that will win you the Lombardi Trophy. Even though you could make a starting lineup with the Ravens missing from this game, the Steelers playing like a "junior varsity" team kept it close to the end. Now they play a mirror of themselves who haven't had the good fortunes they had. I was surprised by how similar Steelers and Football Team are! Both of them have a great defense and a poor offense. But what separates them is Pittsburgh has a far better QB where the offense isn't a liability like with Washington. However, if Washington's defense can hold Pittsburgh's offense to field goals, they have a chance to edge out a 11-9 win.

Buffalo Bills                      38

San Francisco 49ers        31

The 49ers were kicked out of their home due to Santa Clara County banning contact sports. So they're playing the rest of their home games in Arizona crashing on the Cardinals' couch. I'm surprised we went this long before a Californian team was forced to move out of the state due to the restrictions. I would've preferred they moved to a empty stadium like in Texas or Alabama but whatever. This just shows that putting a NFL team in London would be stupid because when another pandemic happens that foreign team will either be stranded in England or get booted out of the country like the Toronto Blue Jays were this season. Speaking of Toronto, good thing the Bills didn't move there as well because they would've suffered the same fate and be forced to play their home games in America.

Dallas Cowboys         44

Baltimore Ravens      31

The Cowboys and Ravens are like me. The Cowboys are a huge disappointment performance wise and the Ravens just can't get shit done on time. This was supposed to be a Thursday game, but due to their flirtations with Corona pushing back the Steeler game, this becomes a Tuesday Night Football game (for now). The Ravens are expected to have all their important players back by then so that's big trouble for the Cowboys. Their only saving grace would be Lamar Jackson and his teammates coming off the list playing like crap like Cam Newton.

LAST WEEK         9-7

OVERALL          98-77-1