"Dwayne Haskins...YOU'RE FIRED!!!" NFL Preview Week 17

In what was a long time coming after getting benched and deactivated in favor of Kyle Allen, Ron Rivera kicked Dwayne Haskins to the curb. Normally when a first round pick flames out of the league, people clown him making jokes about how much he sucks and comparing his bust to Ryan Leaf and JaMarcus Russell. With Johnny Manziel, people were making all kinds of Johnny Football memes and jokes of him partying while not knowing how to read a defense. But with Haskins, people were ANGRY at his failures. Fans still got their jokes in but the media shitted on him like they lost money betting on him to succeed. As much as these talking heads love to stroke their egos thinking themselves as football savants, no one really knows why it didn't work out for him in Washington. Whether it was immaturity, only caring about his brand, didn't fit the new system or he just plan sucks as a pro like hundreds of QBs before him, it's best he gets a fresh start somewhere else.

Reportedly the Panthers are interested in him, which is weird considering they have already have Teddy "Hamburger Helper Gloves" Bridgewater, Will Grier and XFL legend P.J. Walker on their roster. There are other teams who could use a young body with a high upside but it's unknown if they would be a right fit for him. Thanks to Corona, his options outside of the NFL are very limited. Canada closed their border and The Rock's XFL won't be back til 2022 so unless he wants to experience what indoor football is like in the restarted IFL, he's gonna be sitting on the couch next year. Hope he didn't blow all his money at the strip clubs!

THE GAMES

Atlanta Falcons                   13

Tompa Bay Buccaneers     23

Last week Tom Brady led the Buccaneers to their first playoff berth since 2007(!!!). With all the offseason signings they made including getting Gronk out of retirement and signing headcase Antonio Brown, they was clearly in win now mode. They had some bumps in the road and possible bickering between coaches and players but they finally made it to the postseason. If they play like they did in that ass kicking of Detroit, they just might be hard to beat after all.

Dallas Cowboys     31

New York Giants    27

Washington's loss confirmed what I said in Week 11 that no one will have eight wins in the NFC East. The team that had the most losses to spare at the time is eliminated (Eagles), so that leaves the Cowboys and Giants to play a "win and you're (could be) in" matchup to decide who will be the benefactor of a (possible) Redskin fuckup later that night. Dallas is playing competently while New York is...not, so Dem Boys will be glued to the screen for SNF.

New York Jets                  6

New England Patriots     3

The Patriots will miss their first postseason since 2008 when Tom Brady was out for the season with a ACL tear. They still won 11 games with Matt Cassel but was left out in the cold due to the Dolphins and Ravens having tiebreaker advantages over them. I don't see Cam Newton returning next season and as awful as Jarrett Stidham was in mop up duty in the loss to the Bills, he probably wont be back either. If they do bring in another QB, I hope they don't hire Adam Gase to be his coach like the rumors claim. Gase has no business coaching ANYONE in the NFL with how horrible he's been coaching Ryan Tannehill and Sam Darnold. And I don't give a damn Peyton Manning likes him, Gase sucks ass!!! Having said that, Jets win.

Minnesota Vikings         28

Detroit Lions                  49

This has been a crap season for the Lions. You don't get to look back on your dynasty and think to yourself you had a good run like the Patriots. Nor do you tank to get a franchise changing player in the draft like the Jaguars. This season has been just one huge waste of time and talent of your star players. The simulation may have chosen them to win this nothing game with their third head coach this season (the 1941 Steelers is the only other team to do that) but this further justifies Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson's decision to retire early instead of continue to pointlessly give up their bodies for this shitass franchise. RIP Dalvin Cook's dad.

Pittsburgh Steelers    23

Cleveland Browns      16

Browns gonna Browns huh? They started off hot. Baker Mayfield made more commercials. They got the fans hopes up that they will FINALLY end that 17 season playoff drought! But some late fuckups put them in a situation that they have to win to hold on to that final wildcard spot. Otherwise, the Colts will slide in to the playoffs with a win and Cleveland will once again experience the soul crushing reality of being a Brownie.

In other news, the AFC North champ Steelers will rest Big Ben so Mason Rudolph will start the final regular season game. Since the last time Mason played against the Browns THIS happened to him:

Of course the media asked him about Myles Garrett trying to stir up drama. Mason whined "He has not reached out to me in any capacity". Myles later replied "If he wants to talk after the game or before the game, let it come naturally". As much fun as it would be laughing at Cleveland choking away a playoff berth, I want Myles to have a career day laying out Mason.

Baltimore Ravens         27

Cincinnati Bengals       23

Fellow 10-5 team Baltimore finds themselves in a must win situation as well. The league wants them in. The networks wants them in. The advertisers wants them in. EA Sports wants them in. It would be fitting for the Bengals to ruin their season as well after ruining their own earlier this year by failing to protect Joe Burrow. Also this may be A.J. Green's final game with Cincy so the Ravens better watch out for them playing with extra motivation to win.

Miami Dolphins    25

Buffalo Bills          24

Having a backup QB as a reliever when your starter struggles may sound great but I consider it troubling. You know the old adage, "When you have two QBs you have no QBs." The Dolphins don't trust Tua Tagovailoa to get out of a slump midgame and doesn't feel Ryan Fitzpatrick is a viable starter. Eventually Ryan will leave this team then what will you do once you don't have FitzMagic to bail you out? How can Tua grow as a passer when you yank him after struggling early instead of letting him work it out? You're already limiting the playbook he can use while Ryan is free to do what he wants. Putting his development on the backburner so you can hold on to a playoff spot will come back to bite them in the ass. Count on it! 

Seattle Seahawks    30

49ers                        10

Monday, this highly disappointing season will finally come to a close for the Niners. The defending NFC Champions just couldn't get all the setbacks they faced this year. From playing under orange skies from local wildfires, to your star QB getting injured again, to your local county kicking you out of your own home, this team just couldn't catch a break. Jimmy Garoppolo will be healthy next year but can you count on a injury prone QB to lead your team in the future? Yes you can if you protect him better. They should go do that next season.

Arizona Cardinals      29

Los Angeles Rams    23

The Rams went from a sure thing in making the playoffs to "ehhhh...". Basically, they need to beat the Cardinals to move on to the playoffs. BUT, if the Cards win AS WELL AS the Bears they THEY will be the ones spending the postseason alone at home. With Cooper Kupp out with Coronavirus and AAF alumni John Wolford starting in place of a injured Jared Goff, it looks like they will be spending the rest of the year alone at home.

All Elite Jaguars        21

Indianapolis Colts     13

The Colts is yet another team where late season losses have fucked them over. A loss to the team with next year's #1 draft pick would end their season. While in all four scenarios they have to win and either Tennessee, Miami, Cleveland or Baltimore loses for them to earn their playoff spot. A Titans loss would give them the AFC South title but that's not gonna happen right?

Tennessee Titans    13

Houston Texans      23

After J.J. Watt criticized his teammates for not playing hard these last few meaningless games, they may be ready to run through a brick wall for him. The Titans are in the playoffs but a win grants them the division title so that should keep them motivated in this game. Just not enough to beat a pissed off Watt who wants to end the year on a high note.

Las Vegas Raiders     42

Denver Broncos         23

I forgot Melvin Gordon III was on the Broncos. Anyway he's the only player in the NFL with 8+ rushing TDs in each of the last 5 seasons. Other than that tidbit, this is a nothing game.

RIP Floyd Little

Los Angeles Chargers     6

Kansas City Chiefs         36

LA's battery had no charge for most of the season. They got going a handful of times but much of this season was just clicking noise as they sit there and watch their opponents pass right by them. At least Justin Herbert's first 14 career starts is similar to Patrick Mahomes' with 4,000+ passing yards so there's some hope to look forward to next season.

Green Bay Packers     27

Chicago Bears              7

DA BEARS quietly got ten back in the playoff race after an awful start earlier this year. All they need is a win and they're in. Since that probably won't happen against the Packers, they need the Cardinals to lose to hold on to the last wildcard spot. Yep, they have to hope a backup QB from a defunct football league beats Kyler Murray. Good luck with that Bears fans!

New Orleans Saints   20

Carolina Panthers      17

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." That best describe what happened to Alvin Kamara this past week.

Lord Giveth:

• Alvin Kamara ties HOF Ernie Nevers for most rushing TDs in a game with 6 vs the Vikings on Christmas.
• Alvin's performance helped Drew Brees' son Baylen win his fantasy football league.

Lord Taketh Away:

• Alvin was fined 5K for his red and green Christmas cleats.
• Alvin tested positive for Coronavirus.
• Alvin and his fellow RBs are out of the regular season finale as well just like the Browns played without receivers and the Broncos went quarterbackless for a week.

A Haskins Free Football Team   20

Philadelphia Eagles                    34

Even though it's a new year, 2020 is still hitting us with weird shit like a game between two teams with losing records getting flexed INTO Sunday Night Football to close out the regular season. Enjoy it while it last, this might be the only time you see Al and Chris call a matchup between a 6 and 4 win team that will decide the division winner.

LAST WEEK          9-7
OVERALL        134-103-1